It seemed I wasn't the only one wrestling with existentialist thoughts this week, as my facebook feed seemed to echo the sentiment of some wide-sweeping energetic undercurrent that rippled through life in this moment. People expressed more anxiety than usual, more unrest, more need for peace.
Being an American in Paris this week also meant never seeing things unfold in real time on TV, just the selected replay clips and responses that landed on social media. Kansas City won the Super Bowl, but what made social media news were people freaking out about a 50 year old Jennifer Lopez doing a stage act that included a dance pole, and the fact that the president didn't know what state the winning team's stadium was located in. It meant not seeing the impeached president of the United States deliver fake news on the State of the Union, but seeing countless reposts on Nancy Pelosi's speech-ripping reaction. Americans certainly seem to have a lot of criticism for how the women of our country behave or "should behave". If Americans took a more French attitude, they'd likely be more supportive of a 50 year old woman rocking a chiseled body however she wants to on stage, and a female political leader not hiding how she really feels from the public eye. These large televised moments are the times when cultural differences seem even more pronounced between where I am in the moment and where my passport says I'm from.
I found my respite from the moments of existential strife and unrest in the good food of Paris, even as the weather turned dark and damp, there was always something tasty to be found nearby. The dark weather and storms kept me indoors more and had me wrestling with a lot of stuff internally around other people's expectations of me, my expectations of myself, if I've been using this time wisely or not, and how I should really make the most of this time here. The statue below lead my curiosity to answer these questions from a more philosophical perspective as I googled my way from his name on the stone to memorable quotes of wisdom I might glean from him...
Being an American in Paris this week also meant never seeing things unfold in real time on TV, just the selected replay clips and responses that landed on social media. Kansas City won the Super Bowl, but what made social media news were people freaking out about a 50 year old Jennifer Lopez doing a stage act that included a dance pole, and the fact that the president didn't know what state the winning team's stadium was located in. It meant not seeing the impeached president of the United States deliver fake news on the State of the Union, but seeing countless reposts on Nancy Pelosi's speech-ripping reaction. Americans certainly seem to have a lot of criticism for how the women of our country behave or "should behave". If Americans took a more French attitude, they'd likely be more supportive of a 50 year old woman rocking a chiseled body however she wants to on stage, and a female political leader not hiding how she really feels from the public eye. These large televised moments are the times when cultural differences seem even more pronounced between where I am in the moment and where my passport says I'm from.
I found my respite from the moments of existential strife and unrest in the good food of Paris, even as the weather turned dark and damp, there was always something tasty to be found nearby. The dark weather and storms kept me indoors more and had me wrestling with a lot of stuff internally around other people's expectations of me, my expectations of myself, if I've been using this time wisely or not, and how I should really make the most of this time here. The statue below lead my curiosity to answer these questions from a more philosophical perspective as I googled my way from his name on the stone to memorable quotes of wisdom I might glean from him...
I've been feeling the need and internal pressure to create, but also fighting external hurdles that come with frequent travel, not having a place that feels good to work in for any length of time, and general annoyances that have kept me feeling distracted and unfulfilled in my creative processes. Even this post was impossible to write until weeks after the fact- and this is one of the easiest things for me to create! My internal sensitivity around this situation made me establish much stronger boundaries with anyone else that would attempt add more fuel to an already frustrating fire that was only burning myself up on the inside. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe I snapped too much, but as a creative, there are certain phrases that I needed others to know are not cool to say to a creative who is in the trenches and challenge of creation. Of course it's not always easy, but that's not a reason to give up.
I gathered up some Leo-like strength, from all the lion heads I could find on doorways around Paris, and resolved that I wouldn't let the self-doubt, internal struggles, or criticism of the world take me down. Not this week. Not while I have the strength of breath and life to continue.
To add to my existential crisis, I ran a workbook giveaway that no one ended up entering. I was inspired by the date 02/02/2020 - the pairing of all things - the ultimate palindrome date! To me, this pairing highlighted the importance of finding best friends for our businesses, especially if we feel we don't have them in our normal family or friend circle. People that see our challenges as temporary and remind us that we can overcome them. People who occasionally need that support in return. I'm so grateful to the business besties I have in my life, and wanted to encourage and reward more people for finding their business besties in their lives too.
For several days, I fueled my instagram and facebook feed with posts that would help promote the giveaway. I changed my account to a creator account so that I could more easily track the stats on reach and engagement. I hash-tagged everything to a level that even annoyed me because it increased reach and engagement. I made clever segues from moments and locations that were inspiring me in every day moments of Paris to how that translated into some inspiring message for creative businesses. I was on fire and wanted to help light a fire for a couple biz besties too!
However, after three days had gone by with not a single entry submitted, I once again fell into the trap of doubting myself. I know how valuable the work is, so I never once questioned the work I produced, but rather doubted my sustained interest in promoting it this particular way. I was starting to feel depressed when I would check the customized giveaway hashtags and not find anyone else's posts except my own. I decided this was already more than enough of the promotional kind of work I didn't really want to do, and I'd be the one paying for it all in the end with printing and shipping costs... so I just let it die a slow and quiet death online.
I checked back once after the deadline date passed, and with no entries to be found online, I decided there was nothing to be announced on the giveaway date. As a business person, of course I went back and analyzed other giveaways and what kind of engagement they were asking for versus what was successful and how I might operate differently in the future. However, as for this particular giveaway, laissez-faire would become my attitude and life would go on. I have much better ways to spend my time in Paris.
To a person who has limited experience putting new projects out into the world and testing new things, this would appear to be failure. However, for a seasoned creative, who knows that not every project is going to fly, this is merely a drop in the bucket and life goes on. I think this is also why it's hard to receive encouragement or support from people who aren't entrepreneurs or aren't seasoned creatives- because they also don't have as much experience putting a personal creation out into the world, seeing how the world responds or doesn't respond, and continuing onward. It's not a pass or fail situation. It's not a success or a flop. It's more like try, try, and try again, analyzing what does and doesn't work each time with different variations and approaches.
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