First is that my mom agreed to open heart surgery, a suggested course of action after four years of discovered heart murmer. A surgery that she was terrified of and convinced herself that what she was expereincing was the exhaustion of age or a symptom of post-retirement depression, but was actually a hardening of an aeortic valve. I did my best to reason with her and suggest that it be better for her to choose to have the surgery with a vetted medical team she trusts, than to be surprised by a major heart failure and have surgery with an ER doctor. The miracle was her agreeing, the rest was good medical science. The surgery was successful, and now she has a much better chance of living to the age of seeing her grandkids finish high school.
Second biggest miracle and hope for this year was to find an apartment back in NYC on a small business owner budget with miscellaneous variable income (whose business was largely put on hold during the pandemic). I applied to 41 NYC Housing Connect apartments since October 2021 and only 3 have closed their lotteries since I started applying, none of which my lottery number or qualifications made me eligble for. While no apartments came through traditional avenues, one did come available by way of dog sitting turning into developing friends that feel like family, who have come to know me well enough over these last couple years to know how good my word is and how well I take care of the spaces I live in. This has been the biggest blessing for me personally ever since I was told that the apartment I was living in since 2013 and planning to continue subletting through fall 2022 was suddenly no longer an option a year earlier than I had planned or prepared to move.
The third biggest miracle is something that I have shared very little about publicly, but it has been such a large part of these last few years that has had an impact on all aspects of my life. The miracle came when the NYC court system stepped in and helped create a better set of boundaries and guidelines in my divorce case that would finally make it possible to recover some mental energy and time. From the outside everyone has said this case "should be so easy" but unfortunately it has been anything but easy. The divorce process has taught me the many ways people can redefine "fair" and that lawyers make more when they can keep clients fighting. Something that I hoped could be resolved with a mediated agreement in a year or less will now be entering a fourth year and still has no court date in sight. Based on my marriage, I never would have guessed my divorce would be this difficult. Unfortunately this process can bring out the worst in people and every time I thought things couldn't get worse, I've been proven wrong. The process of trying to give the benefit of the doubt against all odds and proposing multiple opportunities for resolution has consumed so much personal bandwidth that I will never get back in time, energy, or money, no matter what comes of it all. I have stopped feeling hopeful about an amicable or swift resolution. My only hope remains in the court to eventually deliver a fair resolution, whenever that will take place. A miracle would be an equitable resolution before the court needs to step in once again. It's disappointing and saddening to think about it, especially as I've witnessed so many other swift and easy divorces across my lifetime, but I do my best to move onward in spite of it all.
I'm grateful for all the support that my friends and family have offered in the space of so many challenges and difficulties. I've been given so much unexpected grace in times when I felt so lost and didn't even know where to look next. There are so many little miracles that have happened along the way, and even more amazing is that they just arrived without asking. THANK GOD. If I didn't believe in a larger loving force of the universe before, this year has convinced me it truly exists and moves through hearts, hands, and voices in the most surprising ways. It took having all the rugs removed from under me, to force me to let go of all the control I thought I once had, in order to experience so much surrender to the forces of the universe. I was forced into simply being a witness at a time when I had no bandwidth to do anything but keep showing up each day to keep moving forward in whatever way I could. In this space of total surrender, I got to witness the magic that is possible even when my own power feels limited.
If I can get a little spiritual for a moment, my life journey before 2020 was one of seeing how far I could take having total control over everything in my life from being an artist to a business owner to after 2020, a journey of seeing what's possible when I have little to no control over anything that comes my way other than what I can say yes or no to as it comes. Where I once saw myself as the total master and manifestor of my own universe, I now see my role as a co-creator in this life with many more forces at play churning wheels and possibilities outside of my control, some which can even be better than I'd ever imagine for myself. Damn it would be nice if I didn't have to learn it all the hard way. I'm just grateful for all that I've learned, even as I know the learning is never finished.
Once I finally had a chance to get some grounding and settling into a space I could regularly return to in NYC, my bandwidth to do more than just plan my next move returned to focusing on business activities. I've had two other side businesses to grow and several big goals since retiring from photography.
One big goal was publishing the Pricing Workbook for Creatives, which I accomplished in 2018, however, the pandemic and then subsequent divorce put a big kink in promoting the book. I did the best I could while traveling but once the divorce began, the sheer amount of back and forth with lawyers and layers upon layers of PDF documents ended up overloading my gmail inbox and even halted my email account for a while. I was trying to do it all with very little income coming in and personal assets needing to be essentially frozen until divorce negotiations would be finalized- a major unexpected and unplanned wrench in what would be needed to move forward again.
By the way, I share all these very personal details in the event that anyone reading this might face something like this in their future, or may be in the midst of facing the reality in this moment, or maybe they want to feel better about how much easier their situation was. I also share to remind myself of what fires I've walked through in life, when I eventually forget how difficult things were.
My last tax filing as a retired and married joint person also meant I didn't qualify for a lot of the pandemic and unemployment support that other business owners qualified for, which put additional stress on maintaining multiple business systems and websites throughout the pandemic. It was a big shit show of things falling apart all at once and all I could do was watch it all fall apart while I just tried to keep myself together mentally, emotionally, and physically, trusting that I would eventually be able to put it all back together at some point when things were settled. I'm only now gaining the bandwidth to begin some of that process again.
I've moved locations over 200 times since July 2021. That's not an exaggeration. I've been counting because its so mind boggling to me what this experience has been like. Moving to another place on a weekly average takes a lot of logistics, organization, planning, and recombobulating. I mentioned it in some of my travel blogs before when it was just vacation travels, but its even more bandwidth consuming when it involves things like learning a new house or caretaking for pets or helping people out or being a companion in whatever way is needed as part of an agreement to stay somewhere. Just having one place I can return to again frees up at least 50-70% of my headspace that was being consumed just by location changes. A week is a good amount for a vacation, exploration, or learning new things but settling into a productive or creative work routine requires at least a month, or well-oiled hands-off systems that can be run on just a couple hours of focus a week.
One part of the divorce that I had to consider was if I'd even keep using the married name that I'd built so much of my businesses under. The name that I had hundreds of client reviews under, that I won awards under, that I had photography published in magazines under, that copyright was held under, that licensing was under, that royalties were under.... ugh. A name that I had invested thousands of dollars into branding and creating a personal brand around... double ugh. Legally I am entitled to keep my married name as long as I want or need for business and personal purposes, but emotionally, I felt I could no longer carry that name into the future with where I would be going next. However, I also had a difficult time returning to my unmarried name. It felt childish and simple, like an inexperienced version of myself.
I considered creating an entirely new name and what that might mean. I played with options related to ancestors, pen names, names based on meanings, but eventually arrived at a version of my given name that felt like it encompassed my authenticity and clarity of spirit but also my growth and all the challenges I'd overcome. As a business owner, I also wanted to find a name that I could secure domains and emails for in this ridiculously crowded online space, and thankfully a form of my given name was still available despite "Anne Marlow" being exponentially more frequently used than "Anne Ruthmann". I try not to think about all the creative assets that I will eventually be divorcing from as well when I finally move fully and legally into my new name again. *sigh* I also do my best not to resent the many ways that men don't have to go through this added nonsense and additional set of expenses, time, and hassle in a divorce. I'll try not to digress further into the exhaustion of a process that is still not fully finished. However, I think its good to share these things for anyone who hasn't wrestled with these issues before, or may be considering the future potential of their business decisions.
With some sense of where I might be headed next, and some time to consider my options based on my goals for the decade or more ahead, it became clearest that I needed to finish promotion of the Pricing Workbook for Creatives and take advantage of this time while my name still remains legally unchanged. I have changed my name in places where it's easy to do so like Instagram, as well as where it can be doubled up with my married name on spaces like LinkedIN and Facebook, but there are still many layers yet to undo, create, or recreate under a new name as I go along. In the meantime, my goal is to help the Pricing Workbook for Creatives become a standard guide for how to think about building sustainable and growth-oriented creative businesses. Eventually I would like that work to outgrow me and be adopted by a larger textbook or financial company that teachers and coaches can utilize and reference as a standard of practice. To me, that would feel like the equivalent of seeing a teenage kid graduate from high school or college, since this workbook is my only "baby" to be birthed into the world so far.
I have continued taking business consulting clients and reiki clients and medical intuition clients, but I'm no longer taking private or commercial photography clients. My equipment is so out of date now and I've been outside of the software upgrade cycle for over five years such that it's just better to refer photographers who have stayed up to date on things as they have changed over the last five years. If a travel company wanted me to just take iPhone photos, I might consider that again since I had a lot of fun when I did it with Enterprise Car Share... but other than being hired as an iphonographer... I've lived my best professional photographer life to the fullest extent of my dreams and now I'm happy to be passing the wisdom and learning I gained on to others!
There are two other goals that need a little extra wind in the sail from the universe to pursue more fully:
1. Creating academically accepted research and writing on reiki as a wellness practice with researched outcomes and possibilities for neurology, oncology, or psychology (or all of the above!)
2. Creating a sustainable retreat space for wellness workshops, creative development, and advancing sustainable land, food, water, waste, and building practices... preferably in the Hudson Valley Catskills region... but open to others or creating a model that can be implemented in other places.
All of these things take a significant investment of time, energy, and resources. It may take the rest of my life just for the two goals above, which I'd be perfectly happy with. Right now I have time, and finally I have energy again, and eventually I'll build the resources back up again too. However I'm also open to things magically appearing and being gifted and granted in alignment with these goals to quicken outcomes for the benefit of the larger good. My ego has been fulfilled in my success toward goals as an artist and now I see the time I have left as being all about giving back and creating a better future for others. Seems like a good use of the second half of life, right?!
In spite of all the changes, bandwidth limitations, resource limitations, and moving from place to place, I was able to do some work along the way, and had a few book sales along the way as well without being able to do much of any promotion. Granted, I probably know most of the people who purchased each book by personal referral, but a sale is a sale, and I'm deeply grateful for the friends and acquaintances who believe in this work and want to support it!
I'm going to give you the super realistic breakdown of where things are right now since this is essentially the first year that truly feels post-pandemic and post-divorce fallout. I also do this for myself to remember where I was when I had to start everything from scratch again, so I can look back and remember how it all unfolded. This year included a lot of caretaking for others, and now that my mom is in the clear, I've almost forgotten how much of this year went to supporting her in a variety of ways through this big open heart surgery journey she underwent.
Caretaking for Others (Voluntary Heart Work)
- 9 Extended Dog/House Sits
- 2-3 Months of Surgical Preparation, Hospital Support, & Rehab Care for Mom's Open Heart Surgery
- 1 Week of Driving, Doctor Visits, Laundry, & Take-out Support for Cousin w/ Broken Foot
While I never really considered myself or my life journey as one of a caretaker. I guess falling into healing work has brought a lot more of that into my life in various ways. A long time ago I had reprioritized my life to put family at the top, and this is the most weighty manifestation of that to date. The need to secure housing along the way until finding a place to land again in NYC also put dog care and house sitting at the forefront as well. I know I'll never regret the time spent supporting family on their healing journey, even if it means putting some of my goals on a back burner to do so. Work will always be waiting, but time with family only gets shorter by the day.
Pricing Workbook for Creatives ($35/book)
- 9 Books Sold Retail
- 5 Books Sold Wholesale
- 4 Author Copies Donated
I was able to do a little big push near the end of the year in connection with Miami Art Basel and reconnecting with some of my favorite artists in Michigan. My dear friend and owner of Ypsi Art Supply grabbed wholesale copies for her shop, and if there's some interest, I plan to come back to do a kick-start workshop with the book in the early spring when I return for a wellness workshop I've agreed to do. While bookstores may not carry the Pricing Workbook for Creatives in stock, most independent bookstores and major book retailers can special order copies into the store for you if you'd like to support your local in person bookstore and not just Amazon. Online sales of the book still feel a bit throttled by one unsupportive 1 star verified Amazon review that disses all the things I thought were 5 star benefits, but it was a lesson in learning that I should have done all pre-sales through Amazon rather than an offline early bird discount. Lesson learned, moving forward anyway. I never published this book for popularity or best seller rankings. It's always been designed as a practical guide to getting the creative industries heads out of their butts around defining and defending the value of creative work starting with the artist. The book is a mission to rise all tides and shift an entire community of thought around valuing arts.
Abundant Sphere - Reiki Healing / Medical Intuition / Spiritual Counseling ($150/hr)
- 3 New Distance Clients
- 2 In-Person Returning Clients
- 2 Distance Returning Clients
This work continues to amaze me every time I get to do it. It fascinates me when clients find so much clarity and benefit in what happens in each session. I learn things, they learn things, and it's just so cool to be in the space where it all unfolds. I no longer have any hang ups about talking about it or sharing that I do the work. There will always be skeptics or people who don't understand and don't want to understand. I waste no time in trying to convince or change their mind. I only have time and energy for people who want to get to work on their healing journey right now. The skeptics can wait until I have more support behind me with academic funding and research support to address their defenses. For now, it feels so good to be able to serve people who are ready and willing to do the work and come by way of referrals from trusted friends and family.
Business Consulting ($5000/day)
- 2 Complimentary Strategy Sessions (friends restarting or revamping businesses after the pandemic)
I'm always up for doing more of this work, but since my online presence looks like a bit of a non-sensical shit show right now with websites down and emails going off into the ether of never never land due to some server issue or routing issue, I have a lot of my own business stuff to resolve first and totally understand why my outward presence could give someone pause about hiring me as a business consultant right now. I know that I have tried and tested chops for rebuilding, and I also know I have competitions with life events and other priorities taking stage over promotion of this work right now. It is the most valuable work I do because I know that when I can align a business strategy with someone's way of being and what they are willing to tackle now and going forward, profits flow and increase with ease. That may sound overly confident, but it's based on seeing it happen over and over again. I'm also at a place where I don't want to work with someone if they haven't invested in doing the Pricing Workbook for Creatives to gain a better understanding of where they are and where they need to go from where they are. I got frustrated by doing the basics for people who hadn't done them yet, so I created the book for the basics, and prefer to focus my mental energy and experienced wisdom on people who have gone beyond the basics.
Sanctuary Sustainable Retreat Space
- Multiple Informative / Idea Gathering Site Visits
- One New Bioenergy Research Connection
I considered whether or not I should document anything related to this, but one of the surprise happenings while just trying to find places to live frequently has been how little glimmers of light and information have appeared around ways of developing land from scratch or from scraps. Some memorable moments and new land developments that I came across were...
In Maui, I got to know people who had bought a little piece of land near the airport that had some banana and mango trees. They had a little roadside farm stand with the fruit that came from those trees. They put a couple little self-contained tiny homes on that land to airbnb. Then they added some food trucks and signs to bring people in from the highway. Then they started hosting Friday night music gatherings to create a more regular community of interest. Little by little, one by one, the land develops into something more.
In Pennsylvania, I came across a series of signs on the highway that read, "Free 100 mile views" and those signs took me all the way up to the top of a hill with little more than a sign about plans for development and a phone number to call if you're interested in the development. There was also a little self-contained porta-potty and a sign for tent camping site reservations if you wanted to camp on the land. That weekend, and summer weekends only, there was a pop-up market tent with a table and several bottles of wine labeled "100 Mile View Winery". Such small beginnings for a much larger vision.
In Vermont, an old barn next to a creek had been converted into a yoga studio with two wellness spaces rented by wellness practitioners in the area. The bathroom was a compost toilet. The summer would bring a larger yoga fest with attendees able to camp outside in tents. A wood fired stove that used wood gathered from the property was able to bake both pizza for sale as well as heat an attached dry sauna. Most electricity necessary for lighting was otherwise powered by solar.
In Big Island, I was granted some insight on how development of a sustainable community space can get complicated with multiple private interests and scattered agendas all competing for space. I was also granted insights into how important waste management and community education is for an eco-friendly space to remain sustainable. This gave me some added foresight of knowing how things might go awry if not considered at the start.
In Maui & New York, I was given a few more chances to take on the tasks of farming in a backyard. Starting small with what was available and figuring out how much time and energy just greeting the land with water or waste removal and farm animals who need food each day can take. I found the small scale peaceful, but could also see how quickly it can all become overwhelming for one person.
In New York City, I already have several people in my friend circle who care about sustainable development, but was able to make one more new connection with a researcher around algae waste filtration and power development. That project will require some proposals and innovation to implement in an urban space, but my nature is to offer whatever I can to help foster or support sustainable development, and it felt good to be able to consider a way to implement something in an urban setting where I am now, rather than waiting only on land acquisition.
Firsts and notable destinations of 2023
- Hiking El Yunque National Forest, Puerto Rico
- Swimming in the La Parguera Bioluminescent Bay of Puerto Rico
- Kayaking in the Fajardo Bioluminescent Bay of Puerto Rico
- Cosmo Thermal Hot Springs of Puerto Rico
- Cabo Rojo Salt Flats of Puerto Rico
- Three Kings Day in Puerto Rico
- Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
- Cartagena, Colombia
- Embera Village, Panama
- Puerto Limon, Costa Rica
- Punta Langosta, Cozumel, Mexico
- Walpole Island, Canada
- North Fork, Long Island
- Amicolola Falls, Georgia
- Decatur, Alabama
- Birmingham, Alabama
- Ponce de Leon Springs State Park, Florida
- Morrison Springs, Florida
- Lakewood Park, Florida's Highest Point (345' - the lowest of the state high points- ha!)
- Shakespeare in the Park - Hamlet! Central Park, NYC
- Fairbanks, Alaska
- Chena Hot Springs, Alaska
- Santa Claus House, North Pole, Alaska
- Denali National Park and Preserve, Alaska
- Whittier, Alaska
- Glacier Bay National Park and Preserve, Alaska
- Hoonah, Alaska
- Juneau, Alaska
- Totem Bight State Historical Park
- Vancouver, Canada
- Whistler, Canada
- Kamloops, Canada
- Revelstoke, Canada
- Glacier National Park, Canada
- Yoho National Park, Canada
- Sugar Loaf Witches Parade, New York
- Sleepy Hollow Halloween Parade & Aqueduct Trail, NY
- Prince's Bay Light, Staten Island, NYC
- Emerson Thoreau Amble, Concord, MA
- Mark Twain House & Museum, Hartford, CT
- Hamilton
- El Boqueron National Park, El Salvador
- Sushitoto, El Salvador
- La Libertad, El Salvador
- Hiked Santa Ana Volcano from Cerro Verde, El Salvador
- Babylon City Hall Holiday Train Display, Long Island, New York
- Glenlore Trails Aurora Light Show, Commerce Township, MI
- Beacon Park Light & Art Displays, Detroit, MI
Not having permanence of place means needing to go a lot of places just to have a place to stay, and I did my best to make the most of wherever I was or needed to be by including something fun along the way when I could. Some of the larger trips were as a companion to stave off pre-surgery anxiety for my mom, or help give her something hopeful to look forward to post-surgery. She had made a big effort to book a lot of international travel in the years leading up to her retirement, thinking that she might slow down and do more domestic travel in retirement. Some of those international travel credits got pushed forward well into the future when the pandemic put multiple holds on cruise credits for 2020 bookings, and some of that credit is still to be redeemed in 2024! What a lesson in business retention and recovery the pandemic has been!
I'm always grateful to be a travel companion, and of course even more grateful when it comes as a gift and creates a period of time when I can recover some traveling expenses and headspace of doing all the logistics of getting from place to place myself. I used to think I wasn't big on cruises, but when life gets busy and complicated, the all-inclusive nature of a cruise and having other people plan meals and locations each day is such a mental and energetic load-off my mind and energy. I'm so grateful my mom as well as several close friends consider me a favorite and welcome travel companion- my life is definitely all the richer for their support and travel planning! I wouldn't go half these places if not for other people creating the invitations in the first place! I don't take that for granted in the least and feel so deeply lucky and blessed to have so many avid and willing travelers in my life.
I shared many fewer of my experiences publicly this year for a couple reasons. First, I was just overwhelmed with the travel and location changes I was experiencing. Sometimes I was the one doing all the driving or navigating, which meant each morning I would just recover enough energy in getting some breakfast before I had to be on the road or in caretaking mode again, leaving little to no time to reflect, digest, compile, and share. Second, one of the unfortunate aspects of a lengthy divorce has been requiring greater levels of privacy about my life because of the ways my optimism and ability to make lemonade out of lemons is used as ammunition against me. I've used many more privacy settings this year and kept many more friends and experiences with friends private just to avoid any drama I don't need in my life. People wrongly assume my joy or optimism means I have a care-free or easy life, instead of acknowledging any of the hardships or immense toll it takes just to stay mentally and emotionally healthy in spite of circumstances like not having a permanent place to live, not having a steady income, and being stuck in a asset holding pattern that continues to perpetuate both circumstances. The song "I will survive" was written for years like these.
2023 Overall
When I look back at where this year started, what I knew and what I didn't know... this was the year that the chaos from 2020 started to finally settle into place and into more peace. However, this was not until the end of the year for me. I can't believe it has taken 3 years since the pandemic and my divorce began just to gain a sense of peace. Thank goodness I'd developed strong wellness and reiki practices before entering these last few years. Thank goodness I had enough lived and experienced wisdom to remember that all I needed to do was just keep putting one foot in front of the other even when I couldn't see any ground below my feet.
It has felt like so many of my own goals have been on hold just to survive or to help other people these last few years. While I have been doing the work that life has asked of me to the best of my ability, it has not felt like the work I was uniquely made to do. Even so, I don't regret the experiences I've had, because I will always do my best to make the most of whatever situation I'm in. Even when faced with obstacles and diversions on the road to achieving my own goals, I feel like it is important to see each obstacle as an opportunity. An opportunity for learning, for growth, for witnessing, for testing our own values, for testing our practice, and for testing what we are committed to at the deepest level. I feel good knowing that I can look back at my choices and see how they reflect my commitment to family, to friends, to a higher good, to being of service in whatever way I can be, and to continuing to make a difference in spite of whatever odds life throws at me. I have let go of so much, and this has made room for so much more grace and faith.
